ROME — Vatican spokesman, referred to as JT, raised eyebrows this week after publishing a lengthy critique of Protestant church architecture, describing the aesthetic vision of most Reformed and evangelical sanctuaries as “deeply lacking” and “frankly difficult to look at.”

“I walked into one of these spaces last Tuesday and I just stood there,” said JT, speaking from Vatican City. “Drop ceiling. Folding chairs. A projector screen that wasn’t even centered. There’s no cohesive vision. No flow. Nobody asked what this space is trying to say. I’m not seeing the transcendent.”

“I mean look at some of our buildings — St Peter’s Basilica and the Sistine Chapel. They take one’s soul to the heavens.”

When asked about funding, JT admitted things were at times difficult.

“Look, sometimes you’ve got to cut costs, shrink programs, sell meaningless paper documents promising eternal life to poor people — you know, it’s all standard stuff. As my great great great grandpa used to say, ‘as soon as the coin in the coffer rings, the soul from purgatory springs.’”

JT was asked whether this context complicated his aesthetic critique.

“I just feel like nobody in these Protestant spaces has asked the really important questions,” he said. “Why isn’t the ceiling made out of marble? Why are there stackable chairs? Why not finance a billion dollar building by manipulating the most desperate in society?”

Theodore Beza Van Roosmalen of Very Covenantal Reformed Church, Grand Rapids, responded to JT’s comments in a 14,000 word statement defending his congregation’s sanctuary. Our writers spent an afternoon reading the introduction.

“The regulative principle,” wrote TR, “does not merely permit simplicity in worship. It requires it. Our drop ceiling is not a failure of vision. It is a confession of faith. The stackable chairs are, with respect, redemptive historically appropriate — like a frugal Jacob’s ladder.”

JT’s full critique is available for purchase.

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